Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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