it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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