I CAN MOONWALK!
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Randomize
