Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
