woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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