I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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