I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
