True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
