I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
