now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
