my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
