Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
