every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
