It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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