dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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