Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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