I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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