Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
