did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
