Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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