I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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