My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
