just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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