Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
