I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
