Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
