K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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