I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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