Can Purell be used as lube?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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