He felt like a one man threesome
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
