i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
