We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
