we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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