You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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