Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
