I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
