sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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