Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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