At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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