im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have tasted many bathrooms
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
