I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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