i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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