yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
the raccoons are back...
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