sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
