you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
50% drunk capacity currently
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
