I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
