My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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