also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i think i have two assholes
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
