So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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