I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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