Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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