I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
