You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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