That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
