So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Randomize
