I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
