I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
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I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
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I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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