i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
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you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
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I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
They are going to name an STD after you.
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